Teddy

It’s December, 1993 in Miami. I am watching the sunset while i am sitting at the edge of the top on the roof. This is not a commercially advertised Miami building, it’s just a project in the hood, where only poor people live. But I like it here, real and natural. I watch every sunrise and sunset from here. Have you ever enjoyed watching sunrise or sunset while sitting at the edge, hanging your legs down, sipping some rum and smoking some cigar? That’s how we do it in Miami. By the way, I am Armando, at least that’s how they named me at the church. But I prefer being called “Teddy”. Teddy bear is my only belonging from my childhood. When my parents or one of them left me outside of the church, teddy bear was with me. It’s has been with me all the time. My homies, I mean friends call me that way. Perhaps it’s funny name, they love to call my nickname, then there is always laughter. I am glad my name makes them happy. My friends are all from the project families. We usually spend time together on the roof, where I live, or hanging out in the hood. My studio is small cube room, actually it’s tools room for the superintendent of the building. I haven’t seen any superintendent since I started living here. Good for me, because I don’t have to pay for rent. Some rich families’ dogs have bigger doghouses in the front yard than my studio. Lucky stupid dogs. I don’t know what my birthday is, but I know my age, 13 years old. I’m the man now, I do have walkie-talkie to communicate with my bodies. I have special flashlight to lighten my room, robbed from rich white kid. Small piece of bed, those would be my furniture in my apartment. My profit is based on stealing, pick-pocketing and carrying some drugs for dealers. But I don’t use them. Ah yeah suppose you have questions like how I ended up like this. I was raised in church and believed that I was Puerto-Rican kid. Church, not really close family, helped us to stand on our bare feet. I remember only one nun, who took care of children like us when we got sick, needed to be fed or bathed. She is only mother that I know of. When I was 5, I got adopted by foster family, white family. Then I ran away. Luckily I met my bodies and they showed me where I could live. For 8 years I’ve been living on the top of the poor world. Occasionally I get caught by the police, but foster dad and mom would pick me up from the police, at the same night I would sneak out through the window to get back to the project. I didn’t remember anything about my parents until yesterday night. I had strange, unbelievable dream last night. I saw my mom and dad, dad is, I guess, white Jamaican. Cause he had “Yaa man” accent (patois). Mom is definitely Cuban. I remember mom’s asking with tearful eyes “what do you think about our son?” and dad’s answering with teddy bear in his hand “one of many mine”. Not that much, but success is that now I know how they look like. Oh I forgot to tell you about Julia, the girl I fell in love with. My very first love is driving me crazy. She is from decent family, I’m street guy. See, we’re a good match-up like in Latin TV Series with hundreds of episodes. Her parents wouldn’t like me around her. Anyways it’s too early to argue about relationship. Suddenly I heard a noise behind me and I was turning to face who it was. Man in black threw my teddy bear to my face, so it got bounced on my head and started falling. To prevent that, I reached for it, but I lost my balance and began to fall after my teddy. My goodness … is that the end? Will it hurt?
I woke up in really white room, I hesitated to guess whether it was in hell or in a hospital. I couldn’t feel my body, good God. “It’s ok, it’s going to be fine, babe” I heard. Julia was sitting aside and still holding my left hand. I could see her eyes swolen from crying and face much older than i first met with. My daughter is smiling, poor little thing wouldn’t know what’s going on. I glanced at the calendar with difficulties, but managed to see big letters “July 2008”. I wanted to ask what happened, but my tongue wouldn’t cooperate with me. Julia knew what I wanted to ask and said “You were unconscious for a week, you are lucky to survive terrible car accident”. Now I remember the truck running into my car. And I just woke up, which means I had a long dream. So I saw my parents in double-dream. I can’t believe, how bad that I can’t share this with my lovely wife and kid right now.
Life was hard for me, not just hard, extremely hard. Then i made my way out of nothing to catch something. I grew up from politically not correct to wannabe correct, wanna-have better life. So growing up didn't stop childhood memories and nightmares. I still have to fight with my own memories.

When death comes again, i am ready to fight. I will not give up and i will survive.

Ганцаардлаас айхуй

Өнчин ядарсан чоно цас хөнтчин алхлаа.
Өмнөө байгаа бүхнийг үнэрлэн хашир ахилаа.
Сүрэг ижлээ хайсаар хагас сар өнгөрчээ.
Сүүдрээс өөр ижилгүй тул нөхдөө эрсээр л.

Мань эр сүргээсээ төөрсөндөө биш
Манлайлна гэж бахархаж байгаад хөөгдсөнд учир.
Ганцаараа ч болно гэсэн түүний бардам зан
Гарцаагүй одоо байгаа байдалд хүргэсэнд начир.

Хамт олонтой байх ямар чухлыг ухаарсан цөөвөр
Хаа сайгүй ижил нөхдөө хайсаар л.
Хайнга тэр сүрэг нь үгүй болсон гэдгийг
Хашир анчдын гарт үрэгдсэн гэдгийг хэрхэн мэдэх билээ.

Уул толгодыг давсаар ой модыг сүлжсээр
Ус ундгүй явсан түүнд ундлах цаг болсныг мэдэгдэв.
Үүгээр ан амьтан нүдний үзүүрт ч харагдсангүй.
Үнгэж цангасан түүнд утаа суунагласан өвөлжөө өртөв.

Бог малын үнэр авсан боохой
Байдгаараа гэтэн өвөлжөөг чиглэлээ.
Ноход ч түүнийг ирж буйг мэдсэн мэт
Наана цаана орон чангаар хуцалдаж эхэллээ.

Гэнэт гэрэл гарч түүний зүг эгцлэн туслаа.
Гэрэлд цочсон тэр ч уур хилэнгээ барьж ядлаа.
Уяанаас суларсан бардам ноход ч түүний зүг нисэн айсуй
Уул нь ч алдах зүйлгүй цөөвөрт цаг хугацаа хайран бусуу.

Нохдоор бүчигдсэн сааралд тулалдахаас өөр сонголт үгүй
Ноогдсон хувилбараас өөр зугатах нөхцөл үгүй
Бужигналдан хазалцаж бүлэг ноходтой тулалдаж эхэлсэн ч
Буун дуу нуруугаар хүйт даалган бүхнийг зогсоолоо.

Анч хөгшин гал нээсэн нь тэр байлаа
Айлган хий буудсангүй, харин онилон байж шийтгэсэн нь тэр байлаа.
Анд болох нохдоо ч хайрлалгүй өнгийсөн нь тэр байж.
Аймаг гарлаараа бол ах дүү болох чоно, хоёр нохой цус садран цасан дээр тэрийж.

Өөрийн арьс ижил сүргийнхээ үсний хажууд хэвтэх болно гэдгийг
Өнөөх эр хэрхэн мэдэх билээ.
Өдгөө мэдлээ ч гэсэн харамсах сэтгэл түүнд бий гэж үү
Өөрөө хамт байх гэж хайж байсан бус уу.

Ийнхүү ижил сүрэгтэйгээ дахин нийллээ
Тиймээ, аз жаргалаар дүүрэн нэгдлээ.
Энэ ертөнцөд, нөгөө ертөнцөд ялгаа юухан билээ
Өмнөө тавьсан зорилгодоо магнай өндөр хүрлээ.

Байгалийн хууль өөрөө тийм билээ
Байгаагий нь анд болгож
Үлдсэнийг нь өстөн болгож
Үүгээр амьдралыг өндөрлөдөг билээ.

Гүүр (mongolian version)

Харанхуй, тиймээ тэр шөнө тас харанхуй байж билээ. Хот өөрөө ийм их гэрэлтүүлэлттэй атал яагаад ийм бүдэг байдаг билээ гэж гайхширсан сан. Хар бороо нүүрэн дээр минь асгаран орж байсныг ч тоосонгүй. Нүүр даган урсах нулимс байв уу эсвэл бороо байв уу? Өөрөө ч үл мэднэм. Тийнхүү би гэдэг хүн өөрийнхөө үерхэлдээ үнэнч найзынхаа зүг алхаж буй минь энэ. Сэтгэлийн минь зовлон зүдгүүрийг, бодлын минь түгжээсийг мулталдаг тэр дотно найз руугаа мөлхөж буй нь энэ.

Түүнийг Брүүклин гүүр гэдэг.

Энэ газартай танилцсан түүх ийн эхэлж билээ. Одоогоос гурван жилийн өмнө юм уу даа, би өөрийнхөө тоос дарсан диван дээр залхуутай нь аргагүй лаглайн хэвтэж “National Geographic” сувгийг үзэх, зүүрмэглэх хоёрын хооронд үзэхчаан аядаж билээ. Тэр орой ч мөн адил аадар бороо хувингаар цутгаж байсан сан. Миний ухаан орон гаран ерөнхийдөө бол дуг нойрондоо дугжрахад ганц хоёр хуруу дутуу харайлгаж явтал нэвтрүүлэгчийн өвөрмөц хоолой нойр үргээж орхив. “Өнөөдрийг хүртэл энэхүү гүүр их олон хүний амийг авсан хэдий ч аварсан нь түүнээсээ хэд дахин илүү их юм” гэсэн тэр л хэсэг одоо хүртэл миний санах ойноос үл сална. Хичнээн хүн өөрийнхөө амьдралд цөхрөн энэ гүүрнээс үсрэх гэж явсан юм бол, хэд нь бодлоо өөрчилж цөхрөлөө энэ гүүрэнд үлдээж сэтгэл өөдрөг буцсан юм бол. Энэ зэвэрсэн хуучин гүүр удахгүй нурах, аюул учруулах магадлалтай гүүрийн тоонд зүй ёсоор ордог хэдий ч өнөөдрийг хүртэл далайн дээгүүр хөндөлссөөр л байх аж. Заримдаа энэ гүүр яаж тогтоод байдгийг ч гайхаад үл барнам. Гайхах зүйл байхгүй ээ гэдгийг хожим ухаарч билээ.

Тиймээ, Брүүклин гүүр их олон хүний итгэл даасан учир өдий хүртэл хоёр арлыг холбон хотойх ч үгүй байх шиг. Тэгж би энэ нуршгүй гүүрэн өөрийнхөө итгэлийг үлдээж билээ. Ийнхүү элдвийг эргэцүүлэн бодсоор явтал гүүрний эхний цамхаг дээр ирснээ сая анзаарлаа. Эндээс л үүд нээгддэг юм. Энд би орилж хашгирч, уйлж, харааж зүхэж, бүр гүүрнээс харайсан ч болно. Ийм бороотой харанхуй шөнө хэр баргийн зоригтой хүн чамайг зогсоох гэж оролдохгүй. Юүдэнтэй зузаан цамцаа өмссөн хэдий ч миний хуучин ipod-ний чихэвч нэвт норсныг хоёр чих маань мэдээллээ. Бодвол их ширүүн орж байгаа бололтой. Ойр хавийн бааранд сууж арваад тагш сархад зооглосон хэдий ч ухаан минь эрүүл байх шиг. Уул нь түр ч болтугай мартагнах гэж сархдыг хүртдэг сэн бус уу. Энэ өдөр үйлчилгээ алга. Сонин, үнэхээрийн сонин шөнө.
Хоёр цамхгийн хооронд явахдаа хичнээн баяртай байснаа илэрхийлэхэд хэцүү юм. Тэнгэрт одсон найзтайгаа уулзаж хэдэн үг солилцох боломж олдсон юм шиг тийм л мэдрэмж төрдөг юм надад. Гэнэт бодол сатааран хэн нэгэн намайг чиглэн ирж буйг мэдэрлээ. Чихэнд маань “Линкин Парк”-ийн дуу байдаг чадлаараа нойтон чихэвчээр бахирч буйгаас ямар ч чимээ үл хүлээж авах аж. Энэ зөөврийн хөгжим гэж чихний ганц аюулт зэмсэг. Эргэн харвал хорь дөнгөж гарч байгаа болвуу гэмээр латин бүсгүй, нүдний будаг нь нүүрний будаг болж хацар уруул бүгдийг даган урсжээ. Мэдээж борооных биш болох нь алган дээр тавьсан алим мэт ил байлаа. Би дотроо “Чи энд үлдэж хэсэг тайвширсан нь дээр байх. Би болсоон. Чамд садаа болохгүй” гэж бодтол бүсгүй сонссон мэт “хэрэггүй дээ” гэсэн утга агуулсан гуниг, нулимс дүүрэн нүдээр хариулаад Манхаттаны зүг гүүр ураадан удаан алхлаа. Хэсэг түүний араас харж зогсонгоо одоо миний харих ээлж ирснийг мэдэрлээ. “За дараа уулзалтлаа түр баяртай анд минь” гээд би гэрийн зүг алхлаа. Одоо бүх юм сайхан байна. Үнэхээрийн сайхан.

Self-expectation and changes

Funny question. Who do you want to be in your life? Since kid time I used to have different answers when this question was asked. I still have different answers. What a loser. I want to be bank specialist, computer specialist, cell phone business owner, photographer or music creator. I heard a lot, you can be whoever you want to be. This saying covers a lot of hard work behind it, but I don’t seem to see it. What a blind loser. I’ve tried each one of my wannabes. I’ve failed to have life profession although I still practice them as a hobby. But it never came to my mind that I could connect some words to make some sense in different language than my original one. Reading makes you write whatever you want when you get lost or fall in love in books. Meanwhile I learnt meaning of expression “Loneliness is your best friend”, writing happened to be my hobby. No, I am not a writer, however I love doing it for myself. One night I went for a couple of drinks after I finished reading a book about firefighters in Bronx, NY during the 1970-ies (written by firefighter). That was when something hit me to pick up the pen and write. For the love of God, (i love this expression) first time in my life I sat down to write something other than simple letter. That’s how that adventure began for me, being so pleased to have it started. Also literature taught me a few lessons.

Important lessons I have learnt are:

- Finding how you keep yourself busy is more important than living an American dream
- Always remember where you come from and keep it to yourself, don’t bother talking about it
- There is no change, but there is control.


While listening to the crowd in the bars, restaurants, parties or public places, I pick up the favorite expression “You’ve changed”, ”You are different”. If we just behave the way other people expect us to be, then we will be likable or good fit into fake crowd. So I control myself and I expect myself to be a good fit.

Bridge

Dark, yes it was so dark night. I was wondering why the city looks so gloomy today in despite of powerful city lightening. And it was raining heavily on my face, I didn’t care. I wasn’t sure why my face was full wet. Was it rain or tears? I was on my way to favorite place, the place that gets rid of my problems. I had too much to let it out.

Brooklyn Bridge.

This is where a story begins. 3 years from now I was watching “National Geographic Channel” while lying down on my old dusty couch. That night was dark as today and pouring-boring.
I had my ears half-open and eyes closed ready to go to sleeping heaven, but I heard reporter’s movie-trailer voice saying “this bridge lost lots of life but saved more”. Curious how many people changed their mind from jumping off.
Old rusty bridge, expected to be under the water soon, still stands over the ocean. It was time to realize why the bridge still stands over the water. It holds too much trust, that’s why. That was when I wanted to trust this unbreakable bridge.
Here now I am on the first tower of the bridge, where the path begins. I can yell, cry, curse or jump … i can do everything on this empty bridge. Nobody would be here to interrupt you nights like this, when it is raining. My old ipod earphone was already wet even though I had hood on. So it was probably raining hard. Having more than ten drinks in a local bar, didn’t make any buzz to me. Strange night, really strange. Walking through the bridge between the towers I was so happy that I’ve come here, like having a chance to see your friend who passed away, saying how much I missed him. All of sudden it felt like someone was approaching towards me. I had loud music in my ears so that I could not pick up any noise. Seeing young lady with ruined make-up on her face made me think she was crying deep inside and out. I was saying in my mind she should stay on this bridge. I am not going to bother you. I am done. It’s all yours now. She gave me sad look as if she heard it and kept going down the bridge. After a while I said “See you next time, my friend” to the bridge and was on way back home. I am feeling better now, much better.

Ховордсоор л

Үрээ үхлийн шуурганд алдсан
Эхийн сэтгэл юутай харуусалтай.
Амьдралынхаа нандин бүхнээ гээсэн
Хүмүүний сэтгэлийн хат юутай нимгэн.

Аз жаргал дүүрэн амьдралыг өөрчлөхөд
Ганц дусал бороо ч хангалттай нь юутай хатуу.
Энэ ертөнцөөс үгүй болсных нь дараа ухаарах
Бидний ухаан юутай богино.

Ухаарч амжаагүй намайг өршөө
Эгэл хүний тэнэглэл.
Эргүүлж авчирч үл чаднам, уучил
Энэ миний дутагдал.

Гэхдээ би тэнгэр бурхандаа мөргөнөө
Тэнгэр өөд цацлаа өргөнө.
Сайн хүмүүсийн төлөө сэтгэлээ үл харамлана
Одоо миний хийж чадах зүйл энэ бололтой.

Сайн хүмүүс ховордсоор л …

Nergui shuleg

Neg naiz mini nad ruu ene shulgiig yavuulsan yum. Tegeed blog deeree taviya gej bodood.


Gudmand zaluus unseldeheen bolijee
Gunigtai baina
Gutal tosolj hugjim togloh hun ch alga
Uitgartai baina

Hairiin shulgiig unshihaa ch bolichihoj
Haramsaltai baina
Havriin boroond dogdlohoo ch baichihaj
Uruvdultei baina

Salalt oirdoo ihseh yum gene
Sonirholtoi baina
Saindaj evlereh ni bagasah yum baih
Hachirhaltai baina

Erchuud durlaliig BAR-naas haitsgaaj
Emegteichuud hairiig buudlaar tugeetsgeej
Ergen toiron husel muruudulgui humuustei
Ingej amidrah utgagui baina.


Note: Author-iig ni daanch medehgui.

Forgivable and Forgettable

"I can't forgive"
"I can't forget"
I hear myself speaking speechless in my brain continuously.

"It is unforgivable"
"It is unforgettable"
I hear someone else crying through my brain endlessly.

In that state of mind
No answer would be found.
In that situation
No game would be played.

By the upcoming time
Feeling about forgiving and forgetting might fall apart.
By the upcoming time
Understanding about forgiving and forgetting might get powerful.

Would you try to forgive and forget, i ask myself.
"Yes, i would" I answer myself.
So then, why don't you forgive and forget, i ask again.
Because it's hard to forget when you forgive, answers someone else inside of me.
It would be so good when you forget that you forgive, 
And it would be so good when you forgive that you forget.

How unstable is human mind? 
How weak is human thought? 

"Can you forgive everything? "
"Can you forget everything?"

"Can you forgive and forget everything and everyone, no matter what?"
Ask yourself and answer yourself.
Wait until someone else gets involved (in your mind) . 

Sukhee,

Great Wall

I built Great wall.
I built it between "Me" and myself.
Somehow there was a complication inside of me.

I built Great wall.
I separated "Me" and myself in my mind.
Somehow there was a problem inside of me.

"Me" and myself couldn't get along whenever problem appears.
"Me" and myself wouldn't stop arguing whenever reason comes in.
"Me" and myself would destroy me by fighting in my brain.
"Me" and myself would not let me even sleep in my sweet dream.

That's why i had to build Great wall in my mind, 
To have a peace of mind.
Though i had to suffer inactiveness of mind, 
I felt lonely deep in my mind.

After some time passes, 
I really miss arguing between "Me" and myself.
Which really disturbs me.
After i grow out of previous state of mind, 
I rarely run away from that issue.
Which really surprises me.

Often i hear people saying 'he knows you'.
Then i ask how he would know me when i even don't know myself.
By the way i know "Me" and myself in myself.
But not myself.

Time is to find out who really you are.
Time is to experience who you deal with.
Time is right.
Time is right. 

Sukhee,

In the Train

Sitting in the subway train number 7
I get some ideas for the poem.
Therefore I'm writing to write it in few words.

Looking around the stringhangers,
I get mixed feeling of good and bad.
Therefore, i am putting it on the paper.

Different races and mixed nationalities,
Different educational level and different background.
Different faces, styles and images.
Different emotion, gestures and body language.

All of these are boiled in big pot of life.
Small part of it is put in little cup (train) of life.
Afraid of each other we don't talk.
Because we imagine we don't know each other.

Thinking that nobody would understand,
We don't open our doors of heart to anyone,
Even if the closest ones knock.

There i am standing in the front window in the first car,
Listening to the music and enjoying the view.
Wishing others could see the same view from my mind.


Sukhee,

Life Family

Life is like a book with lots of pages.
With the pages that every single one has different poems.
Life is like a rail track with lots of wooden sleepers.
With the sleepers that every single one has different usage.

Life is like a tree with lots of colorful leaves.
With the leaves that are worth gazing.
Life is like an ocean with lot of fishes.
With the fishes that are admirable observing.

Life is a son of mother earth.
Life is a daughter of father nature.
We are all together one big family.
We are all alone one small world.


Sukhee,

Chasing an Empty Car (Episode 1)

I was a cop chasing an empty car.
Not to know what I would find in the car.
I was a man chasing my life.
Not to know what I would discover in my life.

To make a choice to be a hero,
I could chase this empty car myself.
To make a choice to be safe,
I could call for backup.

Would I sacrifice myself for my career?
Would I risk my life for better feeling at work?
I didn’t know if I would come out from it alive.
I didn’t know if I would stay on the life track.

In short time a lot of thoughts came through my mind.
In long period of my life I didn’t know I’d have a choice.
Sacrifice for innocents or runaway for sinners.
Minimizing the risk for everybody, I called for backup and kept chasing.

Sinner is always winner.
No matter what he always wins.
Stay on the track.
I recalled the paragraphs from the poem book.

All of sudden I heard some shots,
And my car was on fire.
Trying to pull the break and run out of the car.
I remember big noise and explosion.
I didn’t know if I made it.

Now I am standing in dark tunnel.
At the end of tunnel I see a light.
I was a cop chasing an empty car.
I was a man chasing a simple life.


Sukhee,

Light at the End of the Tunnel (Episode 2)

Now I am standing in the dark tunnel.
Trying to figure out where I am.
Now I am recalling what happened.
Looking for proof that I am dead.

I don’t feel cold or hot.
I don’t see any part of my body is hurt.
I don’t feel any hunger or thirst.
But I do listen to the voice calling from the end of the tunnel.

I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I hear the voice calling from there.
Can’t decide whether go there or not.
Can’t be sure whether is good way-out or not.

I want to go back to my life and a joy.
I want to return to my wife and a little boy.
I want to hold them for last time.
I want to tell how much I love them.

Just for ten seconds I would like to go back.
Just those moments I would like to remember.
Life ain’t easy, life ain’t easy.
Life ain’t easy game to play.

Standing in the dark tunnel,
I didn’t know how long it took me here.
Not knowing what to do,
I follow the light hoping it will bring me back to my life.

Heaven or Hell
Winner or Sinner
But remember this,
Sinner is always winner.
Because sinner doesn’t know what sin is,
While we have problem with morals.


Sukhee,

Few Words at the Funeral (Episode 3)

Dear my friend, you were a good policeman.
But the world is not perfect enough.
Tear my soul, I wish I could bring you back.
But the world is not perfect enough.

Don’t you worry about your family.
We will take care of them.
Don’t you disturb your mind for the family.
We all will be your kid’s dad.

Get rest, my friend.
We won’t forget you.
Stay in peace, my friend.
We will keep in mind.

Last thing we can do is salute, but not saying goodbye.
Last thing we can promise is now your family is our family.
Some day we might be there, so expect us there.
But not yet, not yet until time is right.

Good morning my friend,
Good mourning my friend.


Sukhee,

Half-awake and Half-sleepy

Let me sleep please.
Don’t wake me up.
But the phone is ringing.
What can you do?

My brain is working half,
My senses are sensing half,
I am actually acting half,
That call had better be good.

Call is serious enough.
I have to run to turn on my computer,
And log into IM. I am invited
To very honest discussion.

By now I am full awake from 3 hour sleep.
Try to be nice and not angry.
Dry lips are interrupting me.
But I can’t go for anything to drink.

I am getting a response that
It can’t be talked.
I am thinking in my way.
I can’t be awake.

Get something to drink
And go back to sleep.
Now I am sleeping half,
Thinking half what was all about.


Sukhee,

Good Old Days, Bad Old Days

All the memories are good and bad.
All the memories from good old days and bad old days.

Having too much time to spend,
I used to go out with my pals,
Doing nothing but sitting outside and singing the songs.
Emptying some bottles and talking about
How life could be better.
Chasing some girls and scaring them away,
Fighting some fools standing in our way,
Trying to keep ourselves busy.

It wasn’t like terrorizing our neighborhood.
Because we were good at school.
Doing our homework during the break time,
To have more time for ourselves.
To be accepted by rest of us,
We were ready to do anything,
But the fun for everyone of us.

Now looking back at those times,
I call them, good old days and bad old days.
I can’t regret those days, but
I can learn from them.
I won’t call them waist of time, but
I would call the education of life.

We weren’t taught about the education of life,
By our parents and teachers.
Maybe they tried, but it was so far to use them in our life.
Cause of demanding too much from the future.
In reply rejection was received, so
We were deceived by our dreams.
I love my pals, they are family too.

Then I call them, my good old days and bad old days.

Sukhee,

Freedom and Beauty

It is a beautiful mind to feel free.
It is a beautiful feeling to set someone free.
Freedom is the hard statement to get.
Freedom is the only feeling to get.

Freedom is the statement that shows your independence.
Freedom is the power that shows your right.
But while speaking of almost 7 billion individuals on the earth
At least 7 billion needs and rights that might complicate their life.

Showing his independence might be more important for some people.
Feeling responsible for others may be more important for other people.

To be honest with you, i never felt free,
Because I didn’t know what it is.
After I realized what freedom is,
I saw how hard to recognize that you are free.

How hard to know that you are free to live.
How hard to know that you are free to speak.
How hard to know that you are free to love and trust.
How hard to know that you are free to be loved and trusted.

That what you have in your everyday life, is your freedom.
This is not just everyday schedule, that’s your freedom.
How blind are we to not see how free we are.
How ugly is it to not see how beautiful freedom is.

Freedom is beautiful, but hard to see.
Freedom is beautiful, but hard to feel.


Sukhee,

Standing at the Light

.
.
I stop slowly at the road light,
And glare at the intersection.
Then I look at the mirrors,
If someone is standing behind me.

Just like in a life I have choices.
Go straight, turn right, turn left or u-turn.
Which one should i choose?
Which is the right one?

I was on my way home, but now
I've changed my mind.
For sure i am not going home,
Therefore i don't know where to drive.

Maybe should i try to fly.
Perhaps should i go under the ground.

In the end i always have choices,
Choices, that are already made.
Destiny will show it.

In the end we always have choices,
Just a matter of good or bad choices.
Time will show it.


Sukhee,

Road Runner

.
.
I recognize spring has come by the swans arriving to the local lake.
I know nature has woken up by the noises they make.
When they land on the lake, they seem happy.
And the lake seems to love them.

Nature loves its own road runners from far away.
Road runners miss the beauty of nature for the long winter time.
They fly over the Himalai mountain every year,
And feel loved after a long trip.

There is one tough road runner who travels around,
From Asia to Europe, in the end landed in America.
He never feels filled by mother nature or a partner swan,
But he gets recharged by what he expierences.

Alone swan hits the road by himself,
To look for happiness in the other world.
Alone swan runs on the road of the world,
To discover the beauty of mother nature everywhere.

When is the time to settle down?
How long is research going to take?
These questions are out of his mind.
That keeps him travelling out the world.

Now he is on the way to new lands,
Motherland of Africa and far land of Australia.
Nothing to expect but to expierence,
Is the best motto he's got.

So, does he run the road.
So, does he run away from the road.


Sukhee,

Naked Truth

.
.
Human comes naked to the earth.
Human goes back naked from the earth.
Life starts naked.
Life ends naked.

Kids' thoughts are nakedly naive and innocent.
Adults' thoughts are nakedly complicated and problematic.
Hurting someone in any ways is naked evil.
Thinking badly about something is naked sin.

Angry and disapointed nature is naked beast,
In someone's eyes.
Full of broken promises and uncompleted desires,
It is naked truth in other's eyes.

Waves of succeeded tasks and catching feeling of happiness,
It is naked truth in my dreams.
Life being a chess board with black and white squares is naked truth.
Us trying to play it smartly is naked truth.


Sukhee,

Single Rose

.
.
A single rose in the vase,
Sitting alone in the corner.
Only beauty in the local,
Takes lots of attention.

Wanting to sniff its smell,
Every worker bee flies to her.
Trying to get rid of them and to be nice,
She can't do anything, other than being touched.

After a while, the rose loses he freshness.
Therefore bees fly away in search of new rose.

Now old freshless rose sits in the vase.
Thinking of old time when she was young.
Now the rose sits in old vase,
Awaiting the time when she will be dried out.


Sukhee,

Rhythm of Jazz, my rescuer

.
.
With slow beats of jazz, enjoying your life.
With smooth rhythm of jazz, flying free in the sky.
Not caring about anything, just listening to the music.
Not worrying about anything, just feeling the melodies.

It pulled me out, when i was down in the bottom.
It put me in, when i felt out of balance.
Jazz helped me to stand on my feet.
Jazz gave me a hand when i was drowning.

Piano, drums and bass guitar streams
Duo, Trio, Quartet playing their best.
A beauty with soft voice and smooth move,
Keeps you awake and away from the world.

Only jazz gives me relax.
Only jazz makes me happy.
All that jazz took my soul into itself.
All that jazz shook my heart suddenly.

All that jazz, only that jazz.


Sukhee,

Stay with Me

.
.
Time's passed so fast,
I've just realized it now.
Life's changed a lot,
I've opened my eyes now.

I had a lot to complain,
When i was young.
I have only thing to wish,
That i want my mother near me.

I am 40 now, i can't recognize myself.
My mom is 70, she can't wait to see me.
After a long disapearance, she has one wish.
After a long journey, i have one dream.

Since she gave a birth to me,
She's been my teat.
When i grew up a little,
She's been my guardian.

How could i forget, she always supports me.
How would i unknow, she always loves me.

I've learnt love by her touch.
Soft and warm hands gave me a love.
Sometimes she would get hard on me for a reason.
Anyway she didn't hurt me to not break my feeling.

After these all years, i haven't heard 'I love you, my son'
But I felt it.
After these all years, i haven't told 'I love you, mom'
But i tried to show it.

It's called an invisible connection between mom and kid.
It's known as a feeling between mother and a child.

There's not long time left for her, i heard on the phone.
You'd better hurry, the voice continued.
No, no i can't send her up there, i thought.
I am packing and flying today, i said.

Right now i am in the plane to my mother and motherland.
I am thinking a lot, i wish not, but can't stop.
I want to swear and yell, therefore i know it wouldn't help.
God, I don't want to give you my mom.

I can imagine her smile.
That smile will give her,
A power to stand up on her feet.

I can see her cheer.
That cheer will lift her up,
To help to get well.

Please stay with me forever as long as you wish.
Please live happily with me ever after.


Sukhee,

Painter

.
.
As a painter my friend spent his whole life,
On the drawing table sitting and looking.
As an artist my friend lost his time,
In the art tunnel looking for exists.

How easy to paint black on white, but
How difficult to paint white on black.
Bad influence is easy to follow.
Good influence is hard to accept.

Those were the last words of his.
Thus, advised me not to go through that door.


Sukhee,

The Brave One

.
.
The braveness is not taking a life of the biggest enemy.
The braveness is not destroying others and controlling their properties.
The braveness is a meaning of putting your life in danger for someone, something else.
The braveness is a meaning of doing something good for someone, not for yourself.

Like a fireman getting to the fire.
Risking his own life to rescue someone.
Like a sailor jumping to the cold sea water
Freezing himself to the death to save someone.

Like a religious person praying in his mind
Asking good for others and to forgive their sins,
To save their life.

Like every mother loving their kids,
Being ready to do everything to grow them into good people,
Later they will save other's life.

It is hard, but it is brave.


Sukhee,

Yesterday and Yes-today

.
.
Yesterday i was a kid.
Yes-today i am not the kid anymore.
Yesterday was simple day for me.
Yes-today is new day for me.

Yesterday it was raining whole day.
Yes-today sun is shining at the top of my head.
Yesterday i was in bad mood.
Yes-today I am thinking positive.

Yesterday was my history.
Yes-today is making my history.
Yesterday i was hurt.
Yes-today i am hurting someone.

Yesterday i was told about today.
Yes-today i am checking if everything will match.
So far everything is getting checked.
I can't believe in my eyes.

Yesterday i was drunk.
Yes-today i am having a hang-over.
Yesterday i was a fool.
Yes-today i keep being foolish.


Sukhee,

World is Perfect

.
.
World is perfect,
The way it is.
World is brutal,
The way it is.

Depends what we look forward to.
Depends what we expect from it.
If we are nasty, world can be harsh.
If we are pleasant, world can be promising.

That's us who make the world full.
That's us who change the world poorly.
Into each life, a little rain must fall.
Into each person, bad luck must happen.

But we can't give up.
That's just a test of patience.
Therefore we can't change the side,
Cause of thing that didn't happen
The way we expected.

Days fly as seconds.
Years fly as leaves falling from the trees.
We learn from the mistakes.
We learn from elder's words.

Even if we still struggle with mistakes,
We should try to repair.
It's never late to correct.
It's never late to fix.

World is perfect,
The way it is.
World is brutal,
The way it is.


Sukhee,

Warmth and Thoughts

.
.
Sunny morning with no clouds is rare in the winter time.
Funny singing of early birds is dear in the dream time.

Finding cold air in your room,
You would rather stay in the warm bed.
Discovering close warmth in your bed,
You would rather keep it with your body.

For any reason, you wouldn’t let yourself leave the warmth.
For any request, you wouldn’t let the warmth go.
Warmth, warmth, warmth in your soul.
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts in your mind.

Freezing air wouldn’t dare if your sole is in the warmth.
Freaking ideas wouldn’t dare if your mind is on the right track.

How beautiful is this feeling,
Worth pursuing it.
How delightful is this emotion,
Worth tasting it.


Sukhee,

Drunk with Pain

Walking in the city of New York late evening,
Wondering how many people this city carries.
We can't guess while seeing waves of people.

Rushing through crowds in the streets,
Imagining where this crowd comes from.
We won't know while looking at masses of people.

Not knowing what to think,
Proudly we stare at the lights of city at Time Square.
Not knowing what to tell,
Quietly we glare at upper-class buildings in midtown.

Only thing we can expect is,
We can find a person in the corner.
In dirty clothes and extinguished fire in his eyes,
Drunk with pain.

Only thing we can do is,
Seeing him in a light of day or dark of night.
Passing through him and giving some change or not.
Looking after ourselves and minding our own business.

Drunk with pain in his whole body,
He observes the crowd with hopeless eyes.
Stoned with torn soul in his mind,
He awaits help from anyone, yes anyone.

Would God himself forget about these people?
Or do these people refuse God's help?
Cause only hope would help them

And only God can give it to them.

Every day we sink in ocean of pain.
Every moment we drown in sea of tear.
Every single one of us deserves happy life,
But who is willing to catch it?

Who is willing to catch it?


Sukhee,

Birth and Death

.
.
Time is limited for our life.
Time is limited for everyone.
How long is life gonna be,
Depends on our destiny.

Time starts on Birth.
Time ends on Death.
Then what?

What, if life turns out to be short.
That doesn't seem to be worth.
What, if life is not for us.
That has to live for somebody else.

How is life?
What is life?
Is it Birth and Death? or
Is it Death and Birth?


Sukhee,

A Newcomer

.
.
A tiny little baby comes to world not by his own choice.
But to make his parents happy by his own voice.
Cry and laughter are seen everyday,
just like sun rises every morning.

Dry and clean clothes are never enough,
cause you have next ones to wash.
Days are flying and you do realize how busy you've gotten.
Ways are getting tider, cause you see only around your family.
Baby, love and fun in your everyday life, but the hardest work for your whole life.
Baby, sometimes pressure and headache, that make you even tough.

Once you have a baby, you are not a baby anymore, said the wiseman.
Cause you see the baby the way your parents saw you first time when you came to world.
Life is a challenge, a baby is the prize.
That prize is the next challenge, said wiseman.

Life will be full of fun and challenge which appear to be same thing.
Love will be given everywhere, you'll see how people will look at your baby.
You will enjoy first sitting, first standing, first steps, first word (which is usually 'mama')
First song, first school day and more.
So enjoy it and live it.
It will be one happy moment in your life.


Sukhee,

That One Star

Remember that summer, i used to lie down on the grass.
In the countryside, i used to watch the stars every night.
Were always lots of stars in the dark blue sky, 
Were always rich lightened in the deep sky.

And there was only one star that i liked.
Was in different places everyday night, 
But i would find it every time.

And there was one special star that i wondered.
Was the lightest one in my eyes, 
But no one else could find it.

That one star stayed in my memories, 
That one star is still in my mind.
Too far to catch it, 
Too close to run away from it.

Every night it would appear in the sky.
Every day it would disappear in the light.
Someday i couldn't wait for the night.
Then i used to pray for the night to come quickly.

Still i see that one star, 
Even on the another side of the earth.
Still i see that one star, 
Even in the middle of my dream.

That one star never left me.
That one star never came close.
Just like in the beginning, 
Same in the end.

That one star.
That one star. 

Sukhee,

Rain

Rain, rain, rain
Come here and wash my sins.
Rain, rain, rain
Pour here and clean my soul.

I never use umbrellas.
I never refuse bathing my mind.
I never like to be under the umbrellas.
It is like a fake security, 
I never know when it's going to fall off.

Rain, rain, rain
Shower here and set me clean.
Rain, rain, rain
Wet my hard soul-rocks and take them away.

After the rain I always feel like a new man, 
A man with a new dream and a new beginning.
In period of time, the new dream might get dusty and rusty.
So then i will await the next rain.

Life is a game.
A game between the rains.
Life is a process.
A process between human and nature.

Sukhee,

Love that Can't be Told

A love is so delicate, 
A love is so emotional.
A love drives you crazy.
A love makes you blind.

You want to yell out loud that you are in love.
You want your loved one to recognize you.
You don’t care how the respond would be.
You don’t think your love would be rejected.

Trying to catch some attention, 
You are ready to do everything.
Trying to be the best person in the world, 
You are more than ready to lie.

What if you can’t lie.
What if you can’t say anything about your love.
What if your love can’t be told, but to be held.
What if your love is one-way.

How fortunate is it that you fell in love? But
How unlucky is love that can’t be told.
It doesn’t matter if you tell anything.
It doesn’t matter if you do anything.
It won’t change anything, 
It won’t move anything.

Love is like an addiction, you can’t control yourself, 
Love is like a poison, you can’t manage yourself.
You are a bomb with a short timer.
You are a blind person on the racing track.

So then go ahead and speak out loud.
So you can feel better later, rather than not doing anything.
So then loose yourself and straighten it out.
So you won’t regret later, rather than following behind.

A love is a secret in your heart.
A love is a key into your heart.
That’s why it can’t be told.
That’s why it can’t be opened.

Sukhee,

Email to My Dear Friend

Hi, my dear friend.
How are you doing today? 
Haven’t written anything lately, 
What are you doing today? 

Since our last meeting we didn’t write.
There was a fun that we smiled a lot.
Since our last phone call we didn’t chat.
There was a joy that we laughed a lot.

Some people were jealous that
We looked so happy together.
I don’t care a thing.
Some people were anxious that
We looked so cheerful together.
I don’t give a damn.

Somehow there is a trust in you that
I can talk to you honestly.
Somehow there is a confidence in you that
I can open my heart candidly.

Sometimes we have a fun and laugh a lot.
Sometimes we have a topic and discuss a lot.
When I am with you, a time flies away.
When I talk to you, ages pass away.

It’s good to have you.
It’s great to know you.
It’s nice to talk to you.
It’s wonderful to listen to you.

That is only a reason I am writing this poem email to you.
That is only a cause I am addressing this poem email to you.

I am thankful for everything you do for me.
You are always welcome to ask me anything.

Sukhee,

Drunk in Public

Drinking happens when I am happy, 

Drinking continues when I am sad.
That’s all from my experience.
That’s all I’ve been doing.

While being drunk in private, bar or home, 
I can swallow it as much as you want.
Even the law lets me do that.
And I love to do it by the law.

When I am on my way home, 
Pretending that I am ok, 
I look like a stop sign for cops.
I appreciate that, thanks for your attention.

While having smiley mask on my face, 
I get questioned by the police.
Drunk in public, they called it.
Myself, I am private, I answered.

Having a good time, they asked.
Really good, even with cops, I answered.
That’s what drunk in public is.
That’s what they call.

I had no hesitation to say anything.
But I might regret later.
I regretted before, I don’t want to do it again.
Then they let me go home, sweet home.

Help me, help me, and let me be me.
Help me, help me, and let me be drunk in public.
I am just on my way home.
My beautiful wife and kids are waiting for me.

Think about it again.
Regret it again boy.

Sukhee,

Don't Wake Me Up

That mourning was beautiful when i woke up.
Too beautiful that hard to leave my bed.
Open blue sky was close that i could touch.
Big lightful sun was smiling and shining at my face.

Thick long rainbow was over my bed.
Lots of colorful flowers were surrounding my den.
Birds were singing their songs.
Butterflies were dancing their dance.

It was too delightful to imagine.
It was too unbelievable to believe.
It was too beautiful to wake up.
It was too good to be true.

I saw my mom trying to pull me out of the bed.
I was trying to find some excuses to stay in bed.
That was the only view i want to memorize.
That was the only picture i've been looking for.

Don't wake me up, please.
It's too good to cut my dream.
Don't wake me up, please.
It's the closest distance i've gotten to my family, lately.

Sukhee,

Give Up or Fight

What is the difference between human and animal, askes the old man.
While putting his nose into the newspaper.
Human thinks and does, animal reacts by instict
I answer, thinking that i answered as smart as possible.
Human regrets after a mistake, animal does not.
I add, wondering if i impress the old man.
Human has faith and love, but not the animal.
I summarize myself in the end.

I couldn't tell everything in a few minutes,
Cause of less information and experience.
I wouldn't compare my knowledge with his,
Cause of less time spending on the earth.

The old man looks into my eyes deeply,
'Young man, young man' he says quietly and slowly.
Be proud and don't give up, says he strongly.
Confused with his words and the question,
I don't know what exactly he wants to say.
Struggled with his words and the question,
I wouldn't know that he looks through my whole life.
Give up or Fight, remember i the title of the article,
In the front page of newspaper, recall i the first.
'Don't give up and live strong' hear i my brother's voice.
Just like in my childhood, i hear my brother's voice over and over.
Do i give up, what makes you think i do, why...
Questions come down on my head when i sit alone in the train.
Realizing that i am alone, i wonder if i am allright.
Yes, i am. No i am not.

Thoughts wave away from my mind all of sudden.
I feel better not knowing old man's existance.
'Young man, young man' the old man says,
I wouldn't hear it, oh man oh man.
Human regrets after a mistake, says the old man.
But does human recognize when mistake is made, askes the old man.
Oh man, oh man I wouldn't hear it.
That's my next mistake made.


Sukhee,

Afraid of Being Alone

Poor lonely wolf is walking in the snow slowly,
Sensing some smell in the air and looking up.
Looking for his pack for two weeks already,
Being unable to find them, makes him even stronger.

He didn’t get lost from his pack.
He got rejected from his pack.
He was so proud that he could make his way out.
He was so sure that he wouldn’t return to his pack.

Now he realizes how important his pack was.
Therefore he is looking for them, afraid of loneliness.
But he wouldn’t realize his pack doesn’t exist anymore.
Because his pack was hunted down by locals a week ago.

He’s been searching the woods and mountains,
Mountains after mountains, without any food,
That put him to temporary stop.
That let him know that it’s time to get some meal.

He hadn’t seen any animal around lately.
So he would have to listen to the sound and the noise.
He directed himself to the noise of the village.
He smelled some sheep and pigs.

A little bit light flashed his eyes.
A bit of anger came out of his inside.
All of sudden he saw few dogs barking and flying in his direction.
He had nothing to lose but the time.

A fight was so big, proud angry dogs wouldn’t let him run away.
Somehow he had to manage to fight five dogs at once.
Smacking and biting were all around.
In the end he heard one shot.

Hunter shot the wolf through the dogs.
Dogs were so busy fighting that hunter didn’t have a chance to shot only wolf.
Now there are two dogs and a wolf bleeding on the snow.
Not far relatives against each other on one planet.

Lonely dead wolf wouldn’t know
His fur would lie down next to his pack’s.
Even if he knew about it,
Would he run away from there?

He rejoined the pack again.
Happily he rejoined.


Sukhee,

A Lost Bird

I am a lost bird.
I am the bird that doesn't know where to fly.
When he gets lost, he never knows he is lost.
But everything is fine in his eyes and other's.

Every bird faces problems, smaller or bigger.
But it's still fine.

I am the bird that doesn't know he flies in the air, thanks to his wings.
The bird that doesn't know what it would be without his wings.
But smart enough to keep flying,
But too blind not knowing where to fly.

And to keep looking for answers,
Answers that don't have questions.
Would he find answers not knowing what and why to ask?
Finally he finds the question when he meets a bird in the sky.
The bird from out of nowhere.

Then quickly he finds the answer that gives the next question.
Then another one, and one more.
Next time it would have even more questions.
Now he has questions and answers, not just few, lots of them.

Confused with his own questions and answers,
He gets lost again.
And he doesn't know he is lost.

Now it is time to fly,
Not knowing where to fly.
Not knowing why to fly.


Sukhee,